


hot girls central

by florafae



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Chatting & Messaging, F/F, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, catfishing peter lukas, rated t just for cussing and some nsfw jokes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-18
Updated: 2020-07-18
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:34:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25370200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/florafae/pseuds/florafae
Summary: ghosthuntuk has made a chat with The cooler Archivist and 13 othersghosthuntuk named the chat 'hot ladies central'too hot (hot damn) has left the chatghosthuntuk added too hot (hot damn) to the chattoo hot (hot damn): fuck youghosthuntuk: no thanks
Relationships: Basira Hussain/Alice "Daisy" Tonner, Everyone & Everyone, Georgie Barker/Melanie King, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Other Relationship Tags to Be Added
Comments: 5
Kudos: 27





	1. i wish i was a frog

**Author's Note:**

> hi!!i dont know how to use ao3!!!
> 
> chatfic names that appear here are:  
> knife wife: melanie  
> The cooler Archivist: sasha  
> furry: daisy  
> too hot (hot damn): jude  
> but eight legs: annabelle  
> the better distortion: helen  
> basira h: basira  
> agnes: agnes  
> no fear: georgie

**agnes:** i wish i was a frog

 **furry:** same

 **agnes:** they hop

 **agnes:** they croak

 **ag** **nes:** i wish i lived a life that simple

 **The cooler Archivist:** Agnes are you okay?

 **agnes:** no

 **agnes:** i want to be a frog so badly

 **too hot (hot damn):** im with her rn and shes actually crying

 **agnes:** my secret has been exposed :(

 **furry:** no i understand. theyre just little friends you know?

 **agnes:** yes! exactly

 **agnes:** they are small and friendly

 **agnes:** the kindness etched into their faces

 **agnes:** makes me feel warm inside. in a way that the flames never can

 **agnes:** their eyes are full of kindness

 **The cooler Archivist:** Agnes sweetheart this is actually a little concerning

 **furry:** no let her speak

 **agnes:** do you not like frogs sasha?

 **The cooler Archivist:** I mean yeah I do I just. Not like that?

 **agnes:** coward

 **furry:** yeah coward join the club

 **agnes:** daisy,you would be a toad

 **furry:** :)

 **too hot (hot damn):** what would i be babe?

 **agnes:** poison dart frog

 **too hot (hot damn):** cool!

 **agnes:** they live such wonderful,peaceful lives

 **but eight legs:** what do they even do??

 **agnes:** everything that is good and pure

 **but eight legs:** i dont get it but you do you hun!!!

 **agnes:** you will.

 **the** **better distortion:** you know,you could be a frog right now and just not know it yet!!!!

 **agnes:** :O

 **agnes:** _@too hot (hot damn)_ would you tell me if i was a frog

 **too hot (hot damn):** depends. would you tell me if i was?

 **agnes:** yes you would be my perfect little frog girl

 **too** **hot (hot damn):** FKDJBFDNBGS

 **furry:** wish someone loved me like that

 **furry:** _@Basira_ _H_ baby would you love me like that if i was a frog?

 **Basira H:** No.

 **furry:** :(

 **The cooler Archivist:** This is so sad….

 **knife wife:** _@no fear_ would you like me as a frog?

 **too hot (hot damn):** you all need to fuck off!!!this is agness and is time to shine!!!

 **no fear:** Yeah :-)

 **knife wife:** <333

 **no fear:** Also shut up Jude.

 **too hot (hot damn):** >:/

 **agnes:** a frog is any member of a diverse and largely carnivorous group of short-bodied, tailless amphibians composing the order anura (literally without tail in ancient greek)

 **agnes:** the oldest fossil "proto-frog" appeared in the early triassic of madagascar, but molecular clock dating suggests their origins may extend further back to the permian, 265 million years ago

 **agnes:** frogs are widely distributed, ranging from the tropics to subarctic regions, but the greatest concentration of species diversity is in tropical rainforest

 **furry:** fuck it uuuupp

 **Basira** **H:** Literally I don't want to be here anymore

 **The cooler Archivist:** Aw,c'mon,isn't it kinda cute?

 **Basira H:** :/

 **agnes:** sasha,youre the only person here that can handle me

 **The cooler Archivist:** Thank you?I think?

 **too hot (hot damn):** fair

 **knife wife:** sasha you should be honored for the first month i knew her she just stared at me. it was so threatening

 **The cooler Archivist:** She never did that to me??

 **agnes:** i like you more

 **The cooler Archivist:** Ah.

 **knife wife:** betrayal

 **too hot (hot damn):** sucks to suck

 **knife wife:** jude have you ever considered youre only mean to me because you actually think im really sexy?

 **too** **hot (hot damn):** LITERALLY FUCK OFF

 **knife wife:** thats not a no!!

 **no fear:** Fkdnbvhjkfndbv get her ass

 **too hot (hot damn):** i hate it here

_**too** **hot** **(hot** **damn)** has left the chat!_

_**knife** **wife** has added **too** **hot** **(hot** **damn)** to the chat!_

**too hot (hot damn):** you guys are so homophobic

 **no fear:** Yeah<3


	2. you dont have to be lonely (at farmers only dot com)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chatfic names:  
> melanie: knife wife  
> helen: the better distortion  
> georgie: no fear  
> jude: too hot (hot damn)  
> agnes: agnes  
> not-sasha: Sasha (the real one)  
> daisy: furry  
> annabelle: but eight legs  
> julia: Montauk  
> nikola: Clown Circus by Lemon Demon

**but eight legs:** imf going to fuckung cry

**knife wife:** what why whats up

**Clown Circus by Lemon Demon:** Are You Alright?

**but eight legs:** yes i'm fine just

**but eight legs:** [image]

[its a screenshot of peter lukas' dating profile on farmers only dot com. theres only one blurry picture of him,and his bio just says "please don't contact me I will block you." ]

**but eight legs:** HELP?????

**Clown Circus by Lemon Demon:** LMAOOO!

**the better distortion:** oh,is that farmers only??i use that all the time!!!!:)

**no fear:** Why?

**the better distortion:** ;))

**no fear:** .Okay

**no fear:** Anyways. What the fuck?What the fuck??

**but eight legs:** i dont fucking know im so distraught

**Clown Circus by Lemon Demon:** Annabelle Darling Why Are You On Farmers Only Dot Com???

**but eight legs:** why arent you??

**Clown Circus by Lemon Demon:** Thats Fair!!

**no fear:** It's honestly not Annabelle please tell us why you use that. You aren't old you have no excuse

**but eight legs:** im catfishing people lmao

**no fear:** Okay yeah proceed

**too hot (hot damn):** FKNDBVGHYUIFD

**too hot (hot damn):** WHY DOES HE HAVE AN ACCOUNT IF HES JUST GONNA BLOCK ANYONE THAT CONTACTS HIM….

**but eight legs:** I DONT KNOW IM SO DISTRAUGHT

**knife wife:** message him and tell us if he blocks you

**but eight legs:** will do! *salutes*

**too hot (hot damn):** thank you for your service queen

**but eight legs:** ;;;;)

  
  


\---

  
  


**but eight legs:** okay okay

**but eight legs:** [image]

[screenshots of her messaging peter from a fake account. the messages are:

**Peter Lukas:** I know that's you,Annabelle.

**Annalise Cordell:** i literally have no idea what youre talking about

**Peter Lukas:** I'm not stupid.

**Annalise Cordell:** yes you are,but continue

**Peter Lukas:** You didn't even try with this fake name. Can't you do better?

**Annalise Cordell:** sure i can!!ive catfished you before,old man

**Peter Lukas:** You what?

**Annalise Cordell:** yea lol

**Peter Lukas:** I don't believe you.

**Annalise Cordell:** that sucks cause i catfished your mom too.

**Peter Lukas:** No,you didnt.

**Annalise Cordell:** yes i did i fucked your mom

**Peter Lukas:** I'm going to block you.

**Annalise Cordell:** do it coward ]

**but eight legs:** and then he blocked me ::::/

**knife wife:** HEBVXSGHDS HOLY SHIT

**Sasha (the real one):** Wow!!Did you really fuck his mother?

**but eight legs:** i wish i did. pretty sure he thinks i really did now though

**no fear:** Peter Lukas saw that "you don't have to be lonely" was their slogan and said yes you do actually

**furry:** oh my god

**but eight legs:** NO BUT HE REALLY DID

**but eight legs:** THAFS WHY HES USING THIS ONE SPECIFICALLY

**but eight legs:** ELIAS (🤢🤢) TOLD ME

**Clown Circus by Lemon Demon:** Every Time I Learn Something About This Man I Dislike Him More!!((( Are All Lonely Avatars Like That?

**knife wife:** felt that nik

**too hot (hot damn):** hes honestly one of my least favorites!!and not just because hes with the beholding twink

**but eight legs:** no theyre divorced rn actually

**too hot (hot damn):** oh shit really?

**too hot (hot damn):** unrelated but annabelle do you know if elias has a profile on there?

**but eight legs:** lmao hold on ill dm you

**too hot (hot damn):** thanks!!love you mwah

**Clown Circus by Lemon Demon:** LMAOOO Jude I Know Where This Is Going And I Am Beyond Excited To See What Happens!!))

**too hot (hot damn):** idk what youre talking about im totally not doing anything!!but hypothetically if i was ill hypothetically tell you how it goes later

**Clown Circus by Lemon Demon:** I Hypothetically Eagerly Await Your Updates!

**Basira H:** Oh I used to use that.

**knife wife:** huh???

**Basira H:** Yeah. As a joke,mostly.

**furry:** yeah me too

**furry:** she found my profile on there (which i also made as a mostly joke) and i made her swear to never tell anyone

**Basira H:** We started dating a week after

**Sasha (the real one):** Truly the best love story I've ever heard!

**Montauk:** youre all insufferable

**Sasha (the real one):** Hush! You should be grateful I haven't skinned you yet :•/

**Montauk:** id like to see you fucking try

**Sasha (the real one):** Be careful what you wish for! :•)

**Sasha (the real one):** Anywho! Jude,do tell if you find your farmer true love!

**too hot (hot damn):** of course

**no fear:** Peter Lukas isn't even a farmer,legally he cant be on there

**but eight legs:** im gonna make another account and go tell him that

**knife wife:** PLEASE

**but eight legs:** be like "if you knew what it took to be a farmer you would be on a farm right now,but you arent,so dont even act like youre about the farm life,bitch"

**knife wife:** QUOTING THE MICKEY MOUSE VIDEO????

**no fear:** Would he even get the reference?

**but eight legs:** no probably not but its worth a shot

**knife wife:** if you can successfully catfish him i will actually cry real tears

**but eight legs:** i will,and when i do i need video proof that you cried

**knife wife:** of course absolutely

**no fear:** I hate this,actually!

**but eight legs:** good! ::::)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the catfishing peter lukas thing is based off something my friend said + a conversation with my girlfriend FMDBVSG


	3. vampires and fursuits (a horrible combination of things)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chatfic names:
> 
> melanie: knife wife  
> sasha: The cooler Archivist  
> georgie: no fear  
> jane: 🐛🐛🐛  
> jude: too hot (hot damn)  
> helen: the better distortion  
> not-sasha: Sasha (the real one)  
> daisy: furry  
> annabelle: but eight legs  
> julia: Montauk  
> nikola: Clown Circus by Lemon Demon

**Clown Circus by Lemon Demon:** I Have Been Looking At Fursuits

**knife wife:** queen

**Basira H:** Why?

**Clown Circus by Lemon Demon:** Wouldn't You Like To Know!

**Clown Circus by Lemon Demon:** I Wanted To Scare The Archivist! It Would Be Funny!

**knife wife:** you think he would be scared of you in a fursuit?

**no fear:** Yes. He would.

**furry:** is he scared of furries????

**too hot (hot damn):** he would be terrified of you then

**no fear:** Yeah no not exactly

**no fear:** He just thinks fursuits look like "some sort of uncanny valley bullshit"

**Clown Circus by Lemon Demon:** I Do Not Think Uncanny Valley Applies To Fursuits!((

**no fear:** Probably not!!Or,hopefully not

**too hot (hot damn):** what the fuck

**too hot (hot damn):** are his assistants okay??like does he just say this shit to you guys???

**Basira H:** Yes. Sadly.

**knife wife:** yeah,i hate it here

**too hot (hot damn):** lkdshghjufkdhgnvf

**too hot (hot damn):** whats his deal anyway?why does he feel so strongly about fursuits??who hurt this man?

**no fear:** I don't think he even has a reason!!!Like aside from our old roommate back in college being a fursuiter,but he never acted like he thought hers were creepy?

**knife wife:** maybe he had like a run in with some furry stranger avatars

**Clown Circus by Lemon Demon:** …..Well!

**no fear:** Nikola?Nikola what are you implying

**Clown Circus by Lemon Demon:** I Mean! It Is Perfectly Likely! It's Not Like I Personally Had Something To Do With It!

**furry:** no you probably did

**Clown Circus by Lemon Demon:** I Hate It Here(((

**furry:** you arent denying it though?

**Clown Circus by Lemon Demon:** I…….Hm(((((

**knife wife:** so what im hearing is yes you did

**Clown Circus by Lemon Demon:** None Of You Will Be Spared When The Stranger Rules This World! You Know You Really Should Be Nicer To The Person Potentially Deciding Your Fate Shouldn't You? What If I Performed The Unknowing Right Now And You All Died? You Are All So Terrible,You Are So Disrespectful,If Things Were My Way You'd All Be Skinned And Put Into The Body Of A Clown Because You Are All Such Fucking Clowns I Hate You

**Clown Circus by Lemon Demon:** But Yes I Am Part Of The Reason Jon Feels That Way About Fursuits!

**the better distortion:** LMDSBHXJCFCB as you shooould!!!!

**The cooler Archivist:** WAIT WHAT

**The cooler Archivist:** NIKOLA WHAT?

**The cooler Archivist:** WHAT IS THIS FORBIDDEN JON LORE THAT I HAVEN'T HEARD OF

**knife wife:** sasha

**The cooler Archivist:** He's not even gonna know what hit him. I'm gonna get his ass.

**the better distortion:** oooohh that sounds very threatening!!!:-]

**knife wife:** sasha that sounds SO threatening wtf are you gonna do

**The cooler Archivist:** Oh,you know!

**knife wife:** literally you are so fucked up and evil

**the better distortion:** its kind of hot!!!!

  
  


\---

  
  


**🐛🐛🐛:** [img: jane posing in front of someone she just fed off]

**🐛🐛🐛:** felt cute might attack an institute later idk

**knife wife:** omg first of all you look very cute second of all please do im tired of this shit

**no fear:** Didn't she do that before?

**knife wife:** i wasnt there for it so thats not my problem

**The cooler Archivist:** Yes. She did.

**Sasha (the real one):** lmao

**knife wife:** sucks for you but she should do it again. maybe shell get elias this time

**🐛🐛🐛:** i really wish i did the first time!!!i hate that guy!!!

**Clown Circus by Lemon Demon:** Don't We All?

🐛🐛🐛 **:** also sorry sasha but thats not on me :-/ blame breekon and hope

**Clown Circus by Lemon Demon:** I Would Like To Defend Them But No,That's Fair!

**The cooler Archivist:** It kind of is on you but that's okay,be who you are💞

**🐛🐛🐛:** nevermind im not sorry im gonna get you next time

**The cooler Archivist:** Sorry I think the eye likes me too much to let you!!

**🐛🐛🐛:** cringe

  
  


\---

  
  


**knife wife:** im thinking about vampires

**too hot (hot damn):** why

**knife wife:** fangs

**furry:** you. you get it.

**knife wife:** i Get It.

**but eight legs:** YOU GET IT!!!

**knife wife:** I DO….

**but eight legs:** vampires are hot by default,always. i fucking WISH i was a vampire

**knife wife:** you are so right and im in love with you

**but eight legs:** thanks ::::)

**The cooler Archivist:** I've never really understood why you all like them so much.

**knife wife:** sasha. fangs.

**The cooler Archivist:** …...Yeah?

**knife wife:** SASHA

**too hot (hot damn):** fangs are pretty hot actually!!!its just something about it that makes you 10x sexier. if i had fangs id be unstoppable

**knife wife:** they wouldnt even make you sexier,youre already at the max

**too hot (hot damn):** shut the fuck up

**no fear:** Jude :/

**too hot (hot damn):** ..shut the heck up?

**no fear:** Good enough,I guess.

**no fear:** But no yeah I agree vampires are pretty hot. I just wish media didn't write them the way they do.

**The cooler Archivist:** Oh?Why's that?

**too hot (hot damn):** PLEASE dont ask her

**no fear:** Well,

**too hot (hot damn):** she literally will not stop talking about it yall dont know whats coming

**knife wife:** how would you even know about that??i thought you guys had never met.

**too hot (hot damn):** uh

**no fear:** They're made to be sexy,but never in the right way. They're heterosexual so they can't be sexy.

**furry:** i think fangs are kinda hot

**Basira H:** We know.

**furry:** >:P

**no fear:** They always force themselves onto people too??Like,male vampires specifically,because producers are cowards and never want to make women vampires,but you know,I don't think I would be turned on by a white man kidnapping me and taking me to his mansion or something.

**but eight legs:** i dunno i think movie vampires like that are pretty cool!!

**no fear:** You have a fucking syndrome.

**but eight legs:** i know💙

**Montauk:** What about irl vampires

**no fear:** I genuinely hope you die,Julia.

**Clown Circus by Lemon Demon:** Do You Speak For The Sole Purpose Of Torturing Us?

**Montauk:** Usually yeah

**Clown Circus by Lemon Demon:** Even I Have The Sense To Know IRL Vampires Are Not Sexy!! Have You Seen Them? God Damn I Know We're All Terrible People But Jesus Fuck

**knife wife:** i mean.

**no fear:** Melanie.

**too hot (hot damn):** melanie???

**knife wife:** i mean they are kinda hot

**Clown Circus by Lemon Demon:** Melanie Darling How Do You Feel About Your Skin

**knife wife:** i like it enough that i want to keep it!!!

**Clown Circus by Lemon Demon:** Tragedy! Because I Am Going To Take It! Never Say That Again You Dumb Whore!

**too hot (hot damn):** LNFBVDTZHJKNBVFD

**but eight legs:** i mean???sometimes the web handles those guys,and the web is sexy by default,but also??no??????

**knife wife:** i feel really betrayed right now

**too hot (hot damn):** you should.

**knife wife:** fuck you

**no fear:** Melanie,sweetheart,love of my life,I'm genuinely in love with you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

**knife wife:** but?

**no fear:** BUT. If you ever say that again I'm honestly going to cry. I can't handle this.

**knife wife:** if we get a divorce can i get the admiral on weekends?

**no fear:** No.

**knife wife:** fuck

**too hot (hot damn):** i wish you two would get a divorce

**knife wife:** why,so you can date me instead?

**too hot (hot damn):** id rather die.

**no fear:** We both know thats not true,Jude.

**too hot (hot damn):** you guys are literally so mean to me

**knife wife:** yeah💙

**Montauk:** I showed trevor what you said melanie and he looks so unbelievably disappointed

**Montauk:** Like ive never seen him look so sad

**knife wife:** maybe if he wasnt a fucking coward he couldve got some vampire pussy by now

**Montauk:** MELANIE.

**too hot (hot damn):** do you ever think before you speak?

**knife wife:** nope!

**no fear:** She doesn't,and it shows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have called tma vampires sexy multiple times and i will not apologize for it


End file.
